The happenings at Virginia Tech over the past 24 hours brought back strong memories of September 24th, 2003 here in the Land Of ROCORI.
It's been over three years since the tragedy took place that will
forever change how ROCORI High School is perceived in the eyes of the
world. Three young men lost their lives that day, two died and one was
sentanced to life in prison. Yesterday, the image of Virginia Tech also changed for eternity.
A few weeks after the tragedy, on Sunday afternoon, November 2nd,
2003, Grammy-nominated singer and songwriter Cindy Bullens performed
for about 125 persons who attended a free concert held at the Rocori
High School Auditorium. Bullens sang her songs and in between told her
story of deep sadness, anger, rage, guilt, and remorse after the loss
of her daughter Jessie.
Maybe in publishing this story one more time, someone, somewhere, will take a tiny step down the road toward peace and understanding through the wrenching turmoil of the grief process.
This is both the story that lead up to Cindy's performance and the
interview on grief and loss that took place while she was here.
SEPTEMBER 24, 2003
COLD SPRING, MINNESOTA
My sleep was very restless the night of the tragedy and I woke
earlier than usual that next morning. (about 4:30 A.M.) Our two
children had been in Cold Spring Elementary when the gun fire rang out
at Rocori High School just across the street. Even though their safety
was never in question, I felt like someone had just pulled the rug out
from under my feet.
Bette and I moved our family here from Little Falls about 5 years
ago. Having been a member in the Cold Spring Maennerchor for the past
15 years, we had few reservations about moving to town. As I commuted
to and from practices every Wednesday night over a 10 year span, I came
to know Cold Spring as a place where people truly care and look out for
one another. Bette, a teacher in the Little Falls School District,
knew the Rocori School District to be among the best in Central
Minnesota.
Since we moved to town hardly a week goes by that either Bette or I
can tell a “ONLY IN ROCORI” story. Maybe its about the young girls at
the bakery who opened up the doors to me in the middle of the night so
I could pick up Bette’s birthday cake that I forgot to get earlier in
the day. Or how about the Easter Rabbit who answered our son Samuel’s
letter request, “No candy this year Mr. Easter Rabbit, could you
instead find a way to get me $5.00? I’d like to buy a gift for my
Mom.” And guess what showed up in the mail the day before Easter. A
personal letter addressed to Samuel from the Easter Bunny with a crisp
new 5 dollar bill wrapped inside.
Before Bette and I started our own business, I worked for an
internet company who built web sites for over 1500 newspapers all
across the company. I would often speak to newspaper groups and as a
part of my introductions, I would describe Cold Spring as the place
where “Father Knows Best” raised his kids.
So in the dark of early morning, the day after Aaron Rollins and
Seth Bartell were shot by their fellow classmate Jason McLaughlin, I
had mentally fallen down, face first, onto the hard granite floor of
our entry way. Something like this could never happen here in Cold
Spring. I was desperate to find some way to get up off the floor and do
something. There had to be a place I could go to, where similar events
had occurred. Somewhere, somebody would have a magic crystal ball that
would prevent this from ever happening again.
My journey took me to the internet and a search into the tragic
massacre at Columbine High School in Colorado. I was soon exploring a
number of sites, many dedicated to the 12 students and 1 teacher who
lost their lives on April 20th, 1999, during the Columbine tragedy.
At
one of the sites my eyes honed in on the following words, “Wonderful,
comforting music!” The story described the grieving parents of
Columbine receiving a special gift. A music CD by Cindy Bullens called
“Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth.” The song writer and singer
created songs about the life and death of her precious daughter Jessie
who died of Hodgkin’s disease at age 11 in 1996.
The story went on to describe the many tapes and caring items they
had been sent from people all over the world, but it was the CD from
Cindy Bullens and the power of her lyrics that meant the most to the
Columbine survivors. Cindy’s songs captured the loss of her daughter,
its aftermath, and the wide range of emotions that followed. The web
site included a sample of lyrics.
My search now shifted to find out as much as I could about Cindy
Bullens. At her personal site, www.cindybullens.com, I was able to not
only learn about this song artist and performer, but to also listen to
much of her music.
By now I was in tears and deeply sobbing. Buried within Cindy’s
site I discovered a single E-mail address. I wasn’t sure who would
receive the message but I knew I had to try to connect to Cindy to see
if she had heard about Cold Spring and the tragedy we were
experiencing. Yes, I spilled my guts that morning, figuring that at
the very least the process of putting my thoughts and feelings down on
paper might in some way be therapeutic for my grieving and healing
process. I had no idea what was about to unfold.
At 4:22 P.M. that afternoon there was this response in my E-mail box.
***********************************
Duane,
Where do I begin? Your letter, of course, touched me to the core.
Yes, I was so saddened to hear of your tragedy. I saw it on the
news and was devastated yet again. My concert for the Columbine
families was the most profound I have ever done. I am still in contact
with several families there and see them when I get to Colorado. Our
shared experience in dealing with the deaths of our children (though
very different circumstances) is a strong bond. My CD “Somewhere
Between Heaven and Earth” is a gift from my daughter Jessie. There is
absolutely no doubt about it--her incredible spirit inspired that music
to help heal me--and in turn, help heal many others.
What exactly I can do for you--I don’t know. But whatever I can do--I will.
You and your community are in my thoughts and prayers.
Always,
Cindy Bullens
***********************************
With the receipt of this E-mail, what was initially thought of as a
moment of emotional desperation, soon evolved into an effort to bring
hope and healing to the people of Rocori. The Rocori School
Administration gave quick approval to the idea of holding a concert.
Bette and I then went about gaining the community support and funds to
bring Cindy Bullens to Cold Spring, Minnesota.
On Sunday afternoon, November 2nd, Cindy Bullens performed for about
125 persons who attended a free concert held at the Rocori High School
Auditorium. Bullens sang her songs and in between told her story of
deep sadness, anger, rage, guilt, and remorse after the loss of her
daughter Jessie. “In the first few years, I couldn’t fathom being
happy again. Music was the only way that I came to eventually
expressing my grief.” said Bullens.
During
an interview with Cindy after the concert, she shared some thoughts and
experiences that she hoped could be helpful to those who are faced with
a profound loss in their lives. She began by explaining what a
humbling honor and privilege it was to sing and speak with the people
of Rocori. She could not imagine the pain and suffering the community
must be experiencing. The shootings were such a tragic and
unexplainable event that everyone in the community was in one way or
another affected by.
After the loss of her 11-year-old daughter Jessie, who died of
Hodgkin’s disease in March of 1996, Cindy Bullens, a singer and
songwriter from Portland, Maine, has become what could described as a
“Singing Crusader” for the cause of understanding and overcoming loss
and grief.
The lyrics of her songs resonate loud and clear to anyone struggling
with death or any kind of profound loss. Cindy’s own journey to
understanding and eventually coming to terms with her grief was a long
and difficult one. After extensive bouts with depression and total
isolation, Cindy’s recovery began to unfold as her love for her
daughter and her struggle to live without her came out in a series of
songs she wrote over a period of 2 years.
“Her death has changed every cell in my body, every part of my being
–and has certainly changed the way I think about the world. I now try
to live each moment as it comes and to infuse each moment with some
kind of meaning.” said Bullens.
In September 1999, Cindy Bullens brought out into the public her 10
song CD “Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth”. Since their release,
Cindy has found hope again for the future. Through people’s positive
and deeply emotional reactions to this music, Bullens has been able to
turn her own tragedy into something that can be healing to others.
“The condition of the human race is that we’ve all experienced
loss: a spouse, a sibling, a friend, a relationship, a job, some loss
in which we as human beings have had to let go of somebody or
something. I watched my child take her last breath – there’s nothing
else that could be so painful” said Bullens.
“I’ve learned how important it is to have the support of family,
friends and community. People need to understand that the grief
process is unique and different for every individual. But all of us
have a need for someone to be there, someone who will be there to
listen when the time is right for the grieving individual to talk.
There is relief and release in having permission to show your grief and
your pain – and there is hope in that knowledge” explained Bullens.
Cindy also had some thoughts about those individuals that think
after “x” number of days or weeks a mournful person just turns a
switch, forgets the loss and gets on with life. “It’s time to move
grief out of the closet in our culture and recognize it for what it
really is. A grieving person needs to acknowledge the death, the loss
– and need someone to listen to them when they’re ready to talk about
it. The simple act of sharing a memory about someone who has died can
help the healing process.”
“But
no one has the right to tell me or any other person when or where my
grieving process should come to an end. I will never totally recover
from the loss of my daughter, but I will continue, in her memory, to
try to contribute positively as a part of the human race.” exclaimed
Bullens.
For many, self-help groups that share a common experience with the
loss of a partner, child, or loved one can provide great comfort and
healing. When other individuals share their loss and grieving
experience, it helps everyone in the group realize they are not alone.
Many times people in such groups are more understanding than family
members or friends who think the mourner should be moving on with their
life.
In addition to the afternoon concert Cindy Bullens did on Sunday,
November 2nd, she sang and spoke during the 10:30 A.M. service at Peace
Lutheran Church in Cold Spring. That evening she attended the Seth
Bartell Family fund raiser in Richmond and on Monday morning, November
3rd, she did a video interview addressing death and grieving at Bobby
Vee’s Rock House Recording Studio in St. Joseph.
As Cindy boarded her plane in the middle of Monday afternoon’s
snowstorm she passed along the following wishes: “Tell the people of
Rocori how much I appreciated the incredible warmth and hospitality
they extended to me during a time of such tragic loss. You will all be
in my prayers and may God’s grace bring healing, comfort and
forgiveness to everyone.”
Learn more about :
Cindy Bullens by visiting... www.cindybullens.com
Overcoming grief:
The National Mental Health Association... NMHA Website
Understanding Grief... Caring Connections
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